Campaign promises about your book

My fellow authors:

It has been a dark time in the world of books. Influencers and big-name keynote speakers have flooded our world. And publishers’ reputations continue to decline.

But I’m here to promise you that, with my help, better days ahead. If you select me as your book coach, consultant, and consiglieri, your prayers will be answered. I will make being an author great again!

I know that your idea, however ordinary and common, is absolutely ready to make a book out of. You just have to believe, and success will follow.

No preparation is required. Just start typing. Trust your mind. What flows from your fingertips is sure to be compelling enough.

If you don’t like to type, just dictate. Dictated books are just as good as those written on a keyboard, and sound even more natural.

Don’t worry about your audience. Once you’ve written the book, the audience will magically become clear in your mind. Your book is for everyone — isn’t that specific enough?

There is no need to research stories or case studies. Whatever you’ve heard about or experienced is sufficient. Tell us how Blockbuster failed, how Apple designs great products, how Zappos embraces customer service. Even if we’ve heard the stories before, they’ll doubtless come alive in your sparkling prose.

Proof? Who needs proof. Somewhere on the internet, a statistic will back up what you’re saying. Grab it! Pay no heed to the credibility of the source. In fact, cite the statistic without mentioning the source. Numbers are convincing, wherever they come from.

Liven up your prose. Use profanity. Use italics and bold and ALL CAPS. Use lots of exclamation points! The more excited you sound, the more your audience will believe!!!

Write really long sentences and really long paragraphs. That’s what shows the reader that you’re really sophisticated.

Repeat the same idea over and over. People love repetition. Every chapter should repeat the same message. Again. And again. And again.

You don’t need an editor. You don’t need a copy editor. Because you intuitively know how to write, you’ll need no feedback at all.

If you feel like you need some help, there’s a free automated tool that will solve all your problems. It’s called AI. Artificial intelligence will fix your prose, make you sound intelligent, and write your book for you. It’s the latest labor-saving tool, minimizing your effort while creating prose that every reader will love.

All you need is a chapter or two written, and it’s easy to get a book contract: traditional publishers are eager to see your book. There’s no need for a proposal. You don’t need an agent. One look at your incredible chapters and they’ll be fighting over it. They’ll publish it within a month after the deal closes, because they know your audience is eager to read every word.

They’ll dedicate editorial resources. Their marketing department will place excerpts in major newspapers, get you an appearance on the Today show, and book your speaking tour. All you have to do is show up.

If you’d like to have more control with less meddling, work with a hybrid publisher. They’ll go even faster, and hardly charge a penny. They believe in you!

Hey, who needs a publisher at all. Why not self-publish? Do the page layout and the cover yourself — anyone can do it. You’ll sell millions, just like all the other self-published authors.

Once your book is done, people will flock to Barnes & Noble to buy it. They’ll set it out on a table in the front of the store. It will also appear in a prominent display in every airport bookstore, at no cost to you. Because it’s just that good, and they know it.

There’s no need to distract yourself thinking about marketing until the book is out. At that point, people will simply discover it and start talking about it. If you write it, they will come. Your book’s appearance on the New York Times bestseller list is sure to follow.

Be prepared. Your career as a public speaker is about to take off. All writers are intuitively great speakers.

But you only need to speak a few times a year, because the money from your book advance and royalties will be plenty to live on. So you can spend your time noodling on the next book and thinking deep thoughts.

The writer’s life has always been the envy of every else. And it’s only getting easier and better. Sit back and prepare to enjoy it!

Ummm . . .

If you don’t believe these promises about how being an author will be great again, why would you believe what politicians are saying in an election year?

Publishing is hard. Governing is, too. Sometimes we just want to live in fantasy for a moment.

But actual authors — and voters — live in the real world.

And the real world always catches up the promises eventually.