I recently got access to the secret playbook Donald Trump uses to generate a new, ever more outrageous policy every eight or nine days. I’ve used it to predict the next six weeks of Trump news stories:
International loser database. “As soon as I get in office, the State Department will begin tracking losers in every governments on earth,” Trump announced. These “losers” will include politicians too cowardly to commit military power, those who refuse to jail terrorists and other agitators, and any trade official who refuses to negotiate trade deals favorable to American businesses. “Once we can track ’em, we’ll know who our friends are,” Trump added, suggesting that the loser database would ease the job of American diplomats and trade representatives. Asked if the loser database would also include American political figures, Trump just repeated, “You tell me. You tell me.”
Gun deduction. Terrorism will stop as soon as all the “good guys” have guns, according to Trump. His proposal to promote gun ownership includes a full tax deduction for all firearms purchases plus a $1,000 tax credit for those who purchase at least 500 rounds of ammunition.
Non-profit religious exemption limited to Christian churches. “It’s outrageous that mosques, which are pretty much terrorist hangouts, don’t pay taxes,” said Trump. “Let’s hit ’em where it hurts — right in the pocketbook.” Trump’s proposal revokes tax-exemptions for non-Christian religious organizations, because, as he said, “I don’t care if it’s politically correct or not, this is a Christian nation.” Under this regulation, synagogues would pay tax on all revenues: “I know a lot of Jews and trust me, they can afford it,” Trump added. Buddhist and Hindu temples would also pay (“There are, what, like a dozen of them in the whole country? Who cares?”)
Meat-eater discount. Trump explained that the failure to eat meat has destroyed our courage. “Take a look at the states that are full of vegetarians and vegans,” Trump said. “California, Oregon, Massachusetts, Vermont — that’s where the weak-thinking people, the people afraid of making this country great — that’s where they live.” To encourage red-blooded meat-eating, Trump would require supermarket checkouts to give a 10% discount to all shoppers whose purchases include meat. “Meat-eaters boost the economy, doing physical work like building border walls and flying fighter bombers,” Trump said — a boost which he claims would generate sufficient tax revenues to pay for the meat-eater discount.
Retirement age lottery. While Medicare and Social Security are not solvent in the long term, Trump feels that unilaterally raising the retirement age breaks a promise to seniors . “Look, in every state that has a lottery, the lottery is a vastly successful way to raise money,” Trump pointed out. “We need a federal retirement lottery. We turn retirement into an entertaining game of chance.” Retirees would visit their local casino and stake their retirement on the outcome of a game of poker or craps, the score of a sporting event, or the spin of a slot machine. Based on the outcome, some retirees might not get benefits until age 80, while others could retire as early as age 57. Casino mogul Sheldon Adelson immediately announced a Trump endorsement on the heels of the announcement.
Arabic Internet virus. “I’ve been in touch with the leaders of our Internet companies including Cisco and Facebook,” Trump said. “As soon as I take office, I will direct them to put a virus directly into the Internet, and the virus will attach itself to any communication written in Arabic.” Trump acknowledged that this would cause disruption in Arabic-speaking countries, but pointed out that “All their businesspeople speak English — I’ve met with them, so I know that — so they can get around this. But the terrorists won’t.”
Tax on short people. “Short people are annoying, am I right?” said Trump, who is 6’2″ tall. “I keep tripping over them. We have to build everything too low to the ground — it makes America less competitive.” To discourage shortness, Trump would tax all men 5’8″ and under, and all women 5’2″ or shorter. Children under 18 would be exempt, and “I’m open to an exemption for Asians, since they’re smarter,” Trump said. Progressive author and academic Robert Reich, the 4’11” former secretary of the Labor under president Clinton, immediately published a statement declaring Trump’s proposal unconstitutional.
Limits on whining and complex speech. “Why can’t we get anything done? Because we’re a country of whiners, not doers.” Trump made that statement, and then announced that his first act as president would be to outlaw whining. “People will have to teach their children to shut the f— up,” Trump said, “so they don’t grow up to be whiners.” In conjunction with the anti-whining regulations, Trump would institute a tax on sentences over 15 words long uttered or published by politicians, academics, op-ed writers, and cable news political pundits, a class of people who “we all need to hear less of.” To enforce the new rules, Trump would institute a new cabinet department called WOBS, to regulate “Whining or Other Bullshit.”
I make no assurances as as to the authenticity of this material. If it seems implausible, please compare to how you felt when you heard the rest of Trump’s recent statements.