Unsolicited advice

No one wants unsolicited advice.

Here’s what that means. No matter how brilliant you are and how perfectly suited your knowledge is to someone’s situation, your unsolicited advice will not help them. They will not listen. And they will resent you.

What that looks like

About weight loss. This is solicited advice:

Your friend or acquaintance: I am struggling, no matter what I try, I can’t lose weight. What has worked for you?

You: I have found something that works for me, would you like to hear about it?

This is an opening to give advice if you ask permission first:

Your friend or acquaintance: I am struggling with my weight. It’s so frustrating.

You: If you are open to hearing about something that I found that works, I would be happy to tell you about it.

(Then shut up unless the friend says they’d like to hear more.)

This is unsolicited advice that will create resentment, not change.

Your friend or acquaintance: You know, I’ve decided I’m happy with how I look, I don’t need to make a change now.

You: I have a great weight loss method. Want to hear about it?

Them: Go screw yourself.

Now everybody is unhappy. And it’s your own fault. Don’t give unsolicited advice.

Let’s try another example, since in my experience people who’ve had any kind of success and are eager to share it need to hear this more than once. Let’s talk about taxes. This is solicited advice:

Your friend or colleague: Does anybody know a better tax strategy for freelancers? I can’t help thinking I’m paying too much.

You: I found some things that work for me, I’d be happy to share them.

This is an opening to give advice if you ask permission first:

Your friend or acquaintance: I am just a feeling a bit confused at tax time.

You: If you are open to hearing about some tax strategies that work for me, I would be happy to tell you about them.

(Then say nothing more until invited to do so.)

This is unsolicited advice:

Your friend or acquaintance: I think I’ve finally got the tax situation for my LLC buttoned up.

You: Hey, I know some other tricks. Want to hear about them?

Them: I just said I had handled it. No, please shut up.

This may seem ironic coming from a professional advisor

This space is filled with advice. If you come here to read, you know what to expect: advice. If you don’t want it, don’t read it.

People hire me for advice about books and writing. If you hire me, I’m going to tell you what you’re doing wrong and how to do it better. That’s what you signed up for.

But if we’re just talking, even if are going through the process of trying to figure out what to do about your book idea, I’m not going to give you advice unless you indicate that you’re looking for it.

Experts that are brimming with experience need to know this:

• Everybody’s situation is different. Your advice may not be right for them in their situation.
• These issues are often complex. Your advice may conflict with something else more important in the person’s life. (And shockingly, what you’re expert in may not be their priority right now.)
• People need to be in the right frame of mind to receive advice. If they’re not looking for it, it will be perceived as meddling and may interfere with how they are thinking at any given moment. You’ll be perceived as an insensitive ass.

So stand down. Yes, you’re smart. But not everybody needs to hear about it. Even if they happen to mention your area of expertise.