This post smells like my navel

Goop sells a $75 candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. Paltrow and her perfumer came up with it.

Look, I’m no prude. Bodies have smells, and smells generate emotions, some warm and touching. But that’s because the smell goes with the body. That’s why your girlfriend’s hands or your husband’s cuddle smell so good — because they’re connected to someone you love.

I don’t feel that connection to Gwyneth Paltrow. Do you?

I have so many questions about this candle.

When and how would you use it?

“Honey, let’s light that candle so the room smells like Gwyneth’s lady parts, you know that puts me in the mood.”

Umm, no.

“I like to light ‘This smells like my vagina’ and compare it to my own smell. Gwyneth inspires me.”

I hope not.

“Let’s put it in the bathroom and change the lighting to something low and cozy and pinkish.”

Dear lord.

Does it always smell the same? Or does the smell change after a workout, first thing in the morning, or when watching a romantic movie? Will they keep it accurate by putting out a new version every year?

Who does the quality control testing?

Is this the start of a trend? Are we going to see candle scents for other people we admire? I’m taking a poll: which of these would you buy?

• Nick Offerman’s mustache
• Sean Connery’s chest
• Cardi B’s underboob
• Danny DeVito’s butt crack
• Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s intellect
• Cam Neely’s hockey bag
• LeBron’s favorite sneakers
• Liam Hemsworth’s left armpit (trust me, it’s better than the other one)
• Tom Hanks’ morning breath
• Daniel Craig’s earwax
• Dwayne “The Rock”‘s johnson

If it make you feel strong and brave to wear Megan Rapinoe’s hairdo, awesome. If you feel good about yourself in a dress that makes you look like Viola Davis, do it.

But don’t try to smell like other people’s smells. I don’t want to know how their bodies smell. And you shouldn’t, either.