The price of epiphany

There may come a point in your life when you have an epiphany. You look at yourself and your own behavior and realize you’ve misjudged or mistreated people for decades.

I’m talking about generally shitty behavior. But I’m also talking about casual race prejudice, homophobia, fatphobia, sexism, piggish behavior, elitism, and preconceptions about people with accents, people of different religions from your own, people who grew up in a different part of the country or the world from you. Every epiphany is different. But you’ll know when you had one.

(I know that you, my loyal readers, are free from such biases and foibles, but hey, why not read on just in case your epiphany hasn’t happened yet?)

What happens when you have your epiphany?

If you have a little self-awareness, you may have an epiphany in when you realize you’ve been thinking about other people in the wrong way and treating them the wrong way, and you’d like to change. I’ve experienced this personally. It is, of course, a humbling experience, but each of us is capable of growth and learning like this.

You may not realize in how many ways your epiphany will challenge you.

First, of course, is guilt. Once you realize that you behaved badly, you will have to live with that knowledge. That’s never easy.

Second, you will have to set aside a lifetime of habitual behavior and start to think about your future interactions with people in new ways. It’s far easier to go through personal interactions by instinct and habit than it is to rethink everything you do. That will demand a lot more effort in everything you do.

Third, you may decide you’d like to apologize to people you’ve treated unfairly. Of course, most of them are no longer in touch with you and even finding them to apologize would be difficult. Others are nearby and easily accessible. Of course, you’ll have to figure out what to say, which is awkward and difficult. Those other people are not waiting around for your apology, and are under no obligation to be gracious about it. They might justifiably be hostile or just unwilling to engage. You caused the problem; it’s not their responsibility to solve it.

Fourth, you may find that your colleagues or family members with similar biases to your own are now uncomfortable with your new behavior. They may feel it reflects poorly on them and implies they are poor judges of character — and unlike you, they’ve had no epiphany about making a change. You have challenged their worldview, and no one enjoys that. Your new behavior may cost you in your relationships with them.

Finally, you may also find that your status within your organization or community depended on authority that came from a feeling of superiority, and that once you develop more empathy, that status isn’t so easy to maintain.

All in all, you will likely find that it would have been far easier to just stay the way you were.

I can offer you only this morsel of solace:

The sooner you realize your errors, the sooner you can become a person of greater integrity and contribute to the world in a fuller and more honest way. You will find your new relationships to be deeper and more sincere, and eventually, that will be well worth the effort to make the change.

In fact, the longer you keep doing what you’re doing, the more likely you are to regret your decisions as you get older, and the harder it will be to live with that.

Examine your behavior as you re-enter the workplace this year. Talk to people about it. Remain open about who you are and how you could be different.

Your epiphany will have a price. Personal growth is not free. But it is worth it.

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2 Comments

  1. Thank you, Josh. This is a lovely post. I’m appreciating your use of the word “epiphany” today.