Pepsi’s Kola House “experiential lounge” (a bar with extra adjectives)

pepsi kola house meme
Photo: Pepsi

The press release for Pepsi’s new bar (oops, I mean “experiential lounge”) shows how you can pump up almost anything with extra fizz.

This is fashion. Fashion can’t just use simple words like “blue” and “polyester”; similarly, a fashionable bar talking about drinks would sound boring. So we get “experiences.”

Let’s look at some fabulous excerpts. I’ve put the meaningless words (mostly adjectives) in bold with the translation following in italic.

Pepsi Unveils New Hospitality Venture with Launch of Kola House

The Experiential Lounge and Event Space will Offer Craft Cocktails and Artisanal Menu Inspired by the Exploration of the Kola Nut [You’ll be able to eat and drink fancy food.]

PURCHASE, N.Y., Jan. 29, 2016 /PRNewswire/ — Today, Pepsi announces its plans to launch Kola House, the first experimental kola bar, restaurant, lounge and event space to open in the U.S. market. This first-of-its-kind hospitality venture is set to open its doors in spring 2016, with its flagship location in New York City’s Meatpacking District. [We invented the word “kola bar” so we could be the first one.]

“We wanted to create a modern hub for consumers to share social and immersive experiences that were anchored in the exploration of our cola’s artisanal craft and flavor,” shared Seth Kaufman, Chief Marketing Officer, PepsiCo North America Beverages. “The Kola House represents a new space for us to support our consumer-first approach to drive authenticity and innovation around our beverage offerings and ideals.” [It’s a bar to promote Pepsi’s image.]

Kola House’s experimental and elemental themes honoring the kola nut will be brought to life through resident cocktail curator Alex Ott. Ott’s unrivaled background in flavor chemistry and his superior knowledge of food and beverage pairings and global palates make him the ideal mastermind behind the development of Kola House’s cocktails and elixirs. A full artisanal menu from a rising resident executive chef will also offer specialty plates inspired by the kola nut.  [The bartender is clever. The chef will be too, once we hire one.]

The flagship location will also serve as a transformative event space for pop culture moments in music, art, style, film, sports and more. Pepsi is leveraging its broad partnership with Live Nation to help build out a special music series, Live at the Kola House, which will serve as tent pole moments throughout its year-long programming. Each of the intimate, stripped down performances will bring fans up-close to the artists both visually and acoustically for the once-in-a-lifetime shows[There will be performances. (Note to Pepsi’s PR staff: “intimate, stripped-down performances” sounds like a strip joint, not a “transformative event space.”)]

“Through curating and producing the live music series for Pepsi, guests at Kola House will enjoy distinctive engagements by not-to-be-missed artists,” said Darin Wolf, Live Nation’s Executive Vice President, Media & Sponsorship. [The performances will be new. (Watch that dangling modifier, Darin, unless the guests are curating the performances.)]

To achieve the aesthetic, PepsiCo Design, led by Mauro Porcini, leveraged the creativity of an internal team and partnered with interior design firm, Kravitz Design Inc. “Kravitz Design worked closely with the Pepsi team to create a space that brings the Kola House vision to life as a multifaceted culinary and culturally exciting experience.” said Lenny Kravitz, President of Kravitz Design Inc. [It looks nice. We had a famous musician help our in-house decorator, who’s named after an artisanal mushroom!]

Complete translation: Pepsi opened a bar with interior decoration by Lenny Kravitz. A clever bartender and chef will make food and drinks to help Pepsi seem cool. Famous people will perform. If you eat, drink, and listen enough, even a 123-year-old brand can seem new.

What do you think. Should I change the title of “Writing Without Bullshit” to “The Artisanal Business Writing Experience”? Nah . . .

NY Times’ writeup (I think mine is better).

HT The Consumerist — see all the buzzwords in one place!

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  1. No matter how excessively they tout their wares, I am doing my best to not support them in any way. This company is a major player in heavy deforestation. [Say what they will, I won’t buy their stuff. They are screwing the planet.]