North Korea: H-bomb and bombast

north korea
Photo: ReutersS/KCNA

When it comes to bullshit, nothing is more sublime than communist propaganda.

North Korea says it tested an H-bomb this week (US officials say it was only a regular nuclear bomb). That’s terrifying. The official statement from the North Korean government isn’t really helping their cause though. I’d forgotten the loony nature of totalitarian communist Newspeak.

The English translation that North Korea provided is a little wonky, so I’ve created my own. It’s much shorter and quite revealing. In the official English-language statement that you see here, DPRK is North Korea and Juche is their official ideology of “self-reliance.” My version in brackets, in bold italic.

DPRK Proves Successful in H-bomb Test

Pyongyang, January 6 (KCNA) — The DPRK government issued the following statement Wednesday: [Listen:]

There took place a world startling event to be specially recorded in the national history spanning 5,000 years in the exciting period when all service personnel and people of the DPRK are making a giant stride, performing eye-catching miracles and exploits day by day after turning out as one in the all-out charge to bring earlier the final victory of the revolutionary cause of Juche, true to the militant appeal of the Workers’ Party of Korea (WPK). [We did a thing.]

The first H-bomb test was successfully conducted in the DPRK at 10:00 on Wednesday, Juche 105 (2016), pursuant to the strategic determination of the WPK. [We did an explosion. On purpose.]

Through the test conducted with indigenous wisdom, technology and efforts the DPRK fully proved that the technological specifications of the newly developed H-bomb for the purpose of test were accurate and scientifically verified the power of smaller H-bomb. [We are smart.]

It was confirmed that the H-bomb test conducted in a safe and perfect manner had no adverse impact on the ecological environment. [We are careful.]

The test means a higher stage of the DPRK’s development of nuclear force. [We’re even better than before.]

By succeeding in the H-bomb test in the most perfect manner to be specially recorded in history the DPRK proudly joined the advanced ranks of nuclear weapons states possessed of even H-bomb and the Korean people came to demonstrate the spirit of the dignified nation equipped with the most powerful nuclear deterrent. [We are now important.]

This test is a measure for self-defence the DPRK has taken to firmly protect the sovereignty of the country and the vital right of the nation from the ever-growing nuclear threat and blackmail by the U.S.-led hostile forces and to reliably safeguard the peace on the Korean Peninsula and regional security. [We had to do the thing, because we are scared.]

Since the appearance of the word hostility in the world there has been no precedent of such deep-rooted, harsh and persistent policy as the hostile policy the U.S. has pursued towards the DPRK. [You are mean.]

The U.S. is a gang of cruel robbers which has worked hard to bring even a nuclear disaster to the DPRK, not content with having imposed the thrice-cursed and unheard-of political isolation, economic blockade and military pressure on it for the mere reason that it has differing ideology and social system and refuses to yield to the former’s ambition for aggression. [You are extra-mean, because you don’t like us.]

The Korean Peninsula and its vicinity are turning into the world’s biggest hotspot where a nuclear war may break out since they have been constantly stormed with all nuclear strike means of the U.S. imperialist aggressor troops, including nuclear carrier strike group and nuclear strategic flying corps. [You better watch out, meanies.]

While kicking up all forms of economic sanctions and conspiratorial “human rights” racket against the DPRK with mobilization of the hostile forces, the U.S. has made desperate efforts to block its building of a thriving nation and improvement of the people’s living standard and “bring down its social system”. [Your meanness makes us sad, but we are still OK.]

The DPRK’s access to H-bomb of justice, standing against the U.S., the chieftain of aggression watching for a chance for attack on it with huge nukes of various types, is the legitimate right of a sovereign state for self-defense and a very just step no one can slander. [You’re so mean that we had no choice but to do the thing.]

Genuine peace and security cannot be achieved through humiliating solicitation or compromise at the negotiating table. [We don’t like to talk.]

The present-day grim reality clearly proves once again the immutable truth that one’s destiny should be defended by one’s own efforts. [We did the thing because we’re strong.]

Nothing is more foolish than dropping a hunting gun before herds of ferocious wolves. [Nothing is more foolish than dropping a hunting gun before herds of ferocious wolves. (I can’t improve on that.)]

The spectacular success made by the DPRK in the H-bomb test this time is a great deed of history, a historic event of the national significance as it surely guarantees the eternal future of the nation. [We’re cool because we did the thing.]

The DPRK is a genuine peace-loving state which has made all efforts to protect peace on the Korean Peninsula and security in the region from the U.S. vicious nuclear war scenario. [Even though you are mean, we are good and nice.]

The DPRK, a responsible nuclear weapons state, will neither be the first to use nuclear weapons nor transfer relevant means and technology under any circumstances as already declared as long as the hostile forces for aggression do not encroach upon its sovereignty. [Don’t make us mad!]

There can neither be suspended nuclear development nor nuclear dismantlement on the part of the DPRK unless the U.S. has rolled back its vicious hostile policy toward the former. [We’re going to keep doing the thing until you are nice to us.]

The army and people of the DPRK will steadily escalate its nuclear deterrence of justice both in quality and quantity to reliably guarantee the future of the revolutionary cause of Juche for all ages. [We’re going to do even more things now.]

Juche Korea will be prosperous forever as it holds fast to the great WPK’s line of simultaneously pushing forward the two fronts. [We’re doing just fine. OK? OK?]

So when you boil it down, we have nuclear weapons in the hands of a regime that talks like a toddler. What could go wrong?

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One Comment

  1. Too, too funny. About a not too funny thing. That takes talent.
    I am subscribed, I’m a little confused about why I have to reenter info when I leave a comment? (I have a love/hate relationship with technology) But I will do it anyway. (I focus on the love part.)