New revenue flows into government agencies, thanks to Donald Trump

Here’s the news regarding Microsoft’s potential purchase of part of TikTok:

Trump said Monday that part of the amount paid to buy TikTok would have to come to the U.S. Treasury Department because it would be making the deal possible.

“It’s a little bit like the landlord/tenant; without a lease the tenant has nothing, so they pay what’s called ‘key money,’ or they pay something,” Trump said. “But the United States should be reimbursed or should be paid a substantial amount of money, because without the United States they don’t have anything, at least having to do with the 30% [of TikTok that Microsoft wants to buy].”

Graft and bribery are apparently now the official policy of the chief executive of the United States. This is an amazing revenue opportunity. Why stop at financial regulation? Sell everything!

Here are a few headlines we could look forward to once the new revenue opportunities become available to the private sector.

Rupert Murdoch National Park announced

Donald Trump today announced that Grand Canyon National Park will henceforth be known as Rupert Murdoch National Park. “We are grateful for Rupert’s major contribution to the treasury, and have granted him naming rights over the Grand Canyon, the largest hole in the nation, which will now be called ‘Fox News Gulch.’ ” Along with the naming rights, Fox News contributors can now designate up to two “treasonous liberal traitors” each year who, after a fair trial, will be executed by being launched into the canyon by trebuchet.

We were unable to confirm rumors that the hard-to-pronounce Yosemite National Park had invited sponsorship by a consortium of comedians including Jerry Seinfeld, Mel Brooks, Billy Crystal, and Adam Sandler.

Vaccine approval speeded up

The race to approve a vaccine for the novel coronavirus has a new winner. After it agreed to fund 25% of the budget of the CDC, Pfizer’s vaccine candidate received immediate approval for public use, as well as a special liability waiver.

Antitrust actions halted

After a substantial contribution to the federal treasury and a promise to allow presidential postings to continue unimpeded, Facebook secured a promise that all federal antitrust and regulatory actions against it would cease. “We’re pleased that Mark Zuckerberg has taken the most reasonable option here, so we are releasing it from worrying about excessive red tape regulations,” said President Trump in recognizing the action. Facebook can now resume its previous data collection practices with no further interference from the federal government.

Fast lane opened up for patent and trademark filings

The US Patent and Trademark Office has created a new “fast lane” for filings, in which any filer can pay $10 million for an expedited hearing. The first to step up was the Cleveland Indians baseball team, which has received an assurance that its red-faced and big-nosed “Chief Wahoo” logo would no longer be in danger of removal on racist grounds from the trademark office. Microsoft, IBM, Facebook, Apple and other technology companies filed a broad collection of patents which were assured of approval well in advance of rivals who might have invented similar processes but whose patents filings were delayed. The USPTO commissioner was quick to point out that the expedited filing fees would soon pay for a significant part of the budget of the agency, including a much-needed raise for himself.

Justice Department invites Paid Prosecution Program

Attorney General William Barr announced a new program intended to eliminate the backlog of criminal prosecutions currently underway in the Department of Justice. Corporations and rich individuals can now “sponsor” a prosecutor and direct them to investigate the potential criminal activities of rivals and political opponents. “The Justice Department has always needed to be more responsive to the public,” said Barr. “The new Paid Prosecution Program ensures that justice will never be delayed for wrongdoers who are troubling the richest and most powerful members of society.” Barr was clear that other unsponsored prosecutions would also continue “in the prosecutors’ spare time.”

TSA SpeedPass program initiated

Responding to complaints of hours-long delays at airport checkpoints, the Transportation Security Administration announced the newly initiated “SpeedPass” level of security. Unlike previous programs like TSA Pre and Clear, SpeedPass is a corporate program that frees travelers from all scrutiny. “When a company signs up for SpeedPass, its travelers can just walk directly through security with no checks to slow them down at all,” said acting HHS Secretary Chad Wolf. The first corporations to join SpeedPass include McKinsey & Company, Bain & Company, Gartner Group, and the New York Yankees organization.

New compliance requirement affects deliver of government benefits

Effective immediately, the 50 U.S. states and District of Columbia will be scored based on the amount they contribute back to the federal coffers. States that contribute higher amounts will receive benefits for their citizens including faster delivery of social security and veterans’ benefits, guaranteed availability of coronavirus PPE and ventilators, and expedited approval of highway and infrastructure projects. The announcement set off a round of competitive announcements from states, many of which were planning to raise taxes to help ensure they stay near the front of the line on delivery of federal benefits.

New federal “Mercenary Security Force” to become available for security of private property

The CPB-based security force that became famous for enforcing “law and order” in Portland will soon be available for hire by private citizens and companies. Government officials explained that unmarked vans and heavily armed, camouflaged enforcement personnel would deploy to protect properties of rich individuals and corporations willing to pony up at least $11.5 million per year. MSF will be popular since it need not obey the same rules as local police forces, members of the armed forces, or federal marshals — but, due to its anonymity and role as a part of the federal government, cannot be sued. Private security contractors were flocking to sign up for the MSF, because “the benefits are through the roof,” as one such contractor, Buck Turgidson, said.

Department of Treasury to henceforth be known as Adelson Department

After large contributions to both the Trump Campaign and the government’s general fund, billionaire Sheldon Adelson will have the Treasury Department named after him. The names for other government departments are currently up for bids, from $6 billion for the Department of Homeland Security to $250 million for the Department of Education. Rumors that the Supreme Court will be renamed “The Elon Musk Decision Collection” are unconfirmed.

Who will replace Andrew Jackson on the Twenty? Whoever ponies up the Benjamins.

It’s been clear for years that Andrew Jackson’s days as the face of the U.S. $20 bill were numbered. But while Harriett Tubman was rumored to be filling the spot on that bill, the federal government’s new policies mean it will now be going to the highest bidder. Contenders include Oracle Chairman Larry Ellison, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, entertainment mogul Oprah Winfrey, and wrestler turned actor Duane “The Rock” Johnson.

This is a joke, folks. Don’t fucking sue me, ok?