Making Greenland Great Again

News reports suggest that President Trump is interested in purchasing the island of Greenland which is currently a possession of Denmark. We join the President at his first campaign rally in Nuuk Stadium, capacity 2,000, a football stadium in Greenland’s largest city.

Wow. What a warm welcome!

Not an empty seat in the house. Seems like half the population of Greenland is in here.

Damn it’s cold. No global warming here, I see!

My gosh, I’ve never seen so many white people in one place.

Let’s talk. Let’s talk about what’s going to happen when Greenland becomes the biggest, most beautiful part of America.

First thing we gotta fix is the maps. You guys are getting the shaft!

Can we get a picture up here? Here’s what the lefty liberals are showing on CNN.

Location of Greenland

Puny. Puny! And here’s what Greenland really looks like!

That’s what I mean. You guys are huge. Huge. Like, big as South America. But much whiter. Greenland is great. And we’re going to make it great again.

Did you know that Greenland is set to be the biggest state in America? Bigger than Alaska, where my good friend Sarah Palin lives. You’ll be the biggest place in America.

Yeah, even if a little ice melts around the edges, you’re still gonna be the biggest.

Here’s what I’m going to do for you once Greenland is part of the USA, under President Donald Trump.

First off, we’re going to build. Build! There is so much unused real estate here.

I know building. I build lots of things. They all say TRUMP in big letters on the top.

So we’re going to build. Casinos. Golf courses — you got the land for it. A bigger football stadium, this one’s kinda small. An NFL team — The Greenland Greats. Damn, that sounds great, doesn’t it? If they can play in Green Bay, they can play here.

I found out there’s no good place to get a hamburger here. Gotta fix that. No more blubber-burgers for you.

And roads. I heard that there’s no roads in Greenland. No roads! What an opportunity. You guys are gettin’ around in dog sleds. That’s neglect by the damn Danes, that is. They’re holding you back. We’re gonna build roads and get you guys some cars. And pickup trucks. Driving around Greenland, doesn’t that sound better than dog sleds?!

Think what all those roads will do for the economy here!

Let’s talk about guns. Because you guys are leaders in that area.

There are 13,000 guns in Greenland. 13,000! Almost more guns than people! You’re a whole country full of good guys with a gun. So we’re gonna make Greenland a model for the rest of America. I want you to show those socialists how it’s done.

Now I know you’re not allowed to own pistols. And you’re not allowed to own semi-automatic rifles. That’s not freedom! And you’re lawful people, hardly anybody gets shot. Except for all the suicides. Those are a shame. But you deserve to have the guns you want.

OK, let’s talk about socialism.

Gee, that line usually gets a lot of boos. Well, anyway. . .

I know this is a socialist place. A 44% tax rate! That’s nuts. We’re gonna end that immediately. Cut it in half. In half!

You deserve to keep what you earn catching fish or guiding tourists up glaciers or shooting polar bears or whatever it is you do around here.

And speaking of socialism, we’re going to replace your health care. No more long waits for doctors. No more trekking to the hospital on snowshoes. I know your healthcare is free, but it sucks. We’re gonna pay the doctors, and you can pay a little more, too, once we cut that tax rate. The best doctors are gonna come here, because why not, it’s Greenland!

You know we have an air base here? It’s in Thule, way up at the top. The very top. Bombers, early nuclear warning, the whole thing. We’re gonna invest.

That’s right, invest in Greenland. My big beautiful American military is going to put American dollars right into Greenland, you’ll have the biggest airbase outside of the continental US.

Right after we build that long road to Thule.

Maybe put a casino up there too.

Now what’s the biggest threat to Greenland?

Outsiders, that’s what. You guys have been invaded more time than Mongolia!

It’s migrants coming here to take your jobs. Outsiders. Vikings. Icelanders. South Africans. Nigerians. Scots. Canadians.

Yeah, those Canadians know a good thing when they see it. And they’re coming to take your jobs and your beautiful Greenlander women. Ah, the women . . .

It’s like an invasion. And it has to stop. It has to stop now.

You know how you stop an invasion?

You build a wall. I’m doing it in America, and it’s working. And I’ll do it for you.

That’s right. With the help of my good friends in Russia, we’re going to build a big, beautiful wall right on your southern border. Dig down into that permafrost and just put up a barrier. That’ll stop those Canadians.

You’re gonna be bigger than Puerto Rico. Bigger than Guam. The biggest island in the world, part of the USA.

That’s making Greenland great again.

I’ll be back when this is America. Make Greenland Great Again! Make Greenland Great Again! Make Greenland Great Again!

(Waves, exits stage.)

(Off-mike): Dammit, Kellyanne, get me out of this icy shithole. Where’s Air Force One?

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  1. Note: I am sitting in Sissimut, Greenland as I write this…

    Unsere Präsident, Der Furor wants to buy Greenland. I presume that’s so the land could be sold off and the vast mineral wealth stripped from the country. Here are several key points that we all (and he) should know before contemplating such a thing:

    1. The US tried to buy it after WW II. The Danes (and Greenlanders) flatly refused.

    2. Since the rejected offer, Greenland has become an autonomous country that remains a part of the Danish Kingdom. Now both Denmark and Greenland would have a direct say in such a deal. 2 parties are much more difficult to convince than just one.

    3. Denmark refused the first offer because it didn’t want to suffer the lost national pride. Although they wouldn’t also be losing another territory (Iceland) at the same time in this go-round, there’s still little to indicate they want to lose the pride this time. The Danes haven’t given up Greenland to Independence, in case you missed that part.

    4. The Greenlanders have been under colonial rule for 10 centuries. For *at least* the last 150 years, they’ve been agitating to get out from under the colonial yoke. Having just gained home rule in the past 20 years, it stands to reason that a purchase offer would cause them to set their heels in disgust at being treated like a commodity.

    5. Greenland is often called the only socialist country that works. More than 50% of the country works for the government. Think they’re going to be willing to change their socialist ways? I’d say that chances of it are slim? Think we in the US would support them continuing as socialists? One need only look at our record of anti-socialism (hah!) to grok that answer.

    So, the moral of the story is, to me, (a) that we can’t even take care of ourselves well enough, so it seems dumb to try to expand, (b) the colonialism era of the 19th and early 20th centuries has been over for a while (and good riddance!), so it seems dumb and uncouth, at best, to attempt a resurrection, (c) seeking to buy an independent nation would be more than a little boorish, and (d) neither of the governments with which we’d have to negotiate would want the offer and would be extremely unlikely to accept any offer from us. Also, (e) last week, it melted here a great deal. There was a heatwave. Greenlanders very much take global warming and its effects seriously. Why would they want to be led by a bunch of ostriches??

    Finally, (f) please don’t include me in making this country out to be a bunch of assholes any more than the rest of the world already thinks we are, Mr. President.

  2. The media scoured the glacial wasteland and piles of rocks to find the handful of Greenlanders who were too stupid to grasp that becoming part of the greatest power this world has ever seen is preferable to being the forgotten outpost of a power that peaked a thousand years ago. If there is any true Viking blood left on that barren windswept rock they would have the heart for adventure, the ambition for greatness.

  3. Dear ‘crybaby’ (I choose not to glorify your actual screen name):

    I was in actually Greenland when the ‘purchase’ Concept was exposed. 100% of the dozens and dozens of Greenlanders who asked me about it, said they were offended by it. I was on a vacation, and so that group was reasonably randomized.

    Would you be willing to give up our country’s sovereignty if someone in China politely mentioned that Americans should just join up with China, the world’s largest, most up-and-coming superpower? I didn’t think you would. Neither would I. So, why would a Greenlander? They struggled long and hard for their sovereignty; they won’t – and don’t – want to give it up.

    If the US would stop trying to exercise a go-it-alone foreign policy, we’d recognize that we could have allies. Greenland (and Denmark) could once again be allied with us. That would require that the damage done to our allies’ trust in the US government can be easily repaired, of course.

    Before you attack me – and I think it obvious that you will – please understand that to do so will be a waste of your energy.