COVID-19 pitches you can totally rip off

We keep getting emails and pitches from everyone we’ve ever done business with. And they all start the same way . . .

“In these unprecedented times . . . “

“I hope you are well . . . “

We can do better. I can do better. So, in the interests of variety, I’m contributing these pitch openers to the world, gratis. Feel free to use ’em. All I ask is if you do, drop a link in the comments so we can all see it.

Steal these pitches

Spring us upon us. Flowers are blooming, birds are singing. The specter of imminent death seems to recede, just for a moment . . .

In this apocalyptic era, it’s harder to think clearly. Your judgment is impaired. And we’re counting on that . . .

I’m not wearing pants. Neither are you. We already have so much in common. So I know you’ll also be interested in . . .

We have wine. We have beer. By the case. And we deliver. Join us on COVID standard time, where the cocktail hour starts whenever you’re in the mood . . .

America is at its best when time are tough. [Starts crying bitter tears . . .] Wait. I’ll start again . . .

We don’t have to be alone right now. With technology, we can connect as warmly and effectively as we always have. Our virtual service is now available at the same price we charged when we did it in person . . .

There’s no little league. No AA meetings. No business trips. It’s just you and your kids, every single night, and you’ve watched everything on Netflix. That’s why, now, every night can be family game night . . .

We’re all in this together. Separately, in our respective houses. So we’re not really together. But sort of together. So here’s what I want from you . . .

Are you feeling sad? Me too. We are all so fucked right now . . .

I know you won’t be coming into our restaurant/car wash/dentist’s office any time soon. But we’re still thinking of you. So here’s a link to a tutorial on how to color the roots of your hair . . .

Just two words. Designer PPE. Don’t let style pass you by in the sweatpants era . . .

Guilt. That’s what you feel when anxiety and close quarters make you wonder where the day went. You can banish that guilt. Sign up for our online course. You don’t even need to attend it. Just paying for it will make you feel better . . .

You might not think now is the time to buy a new car. But we’ve created something new: contactless, totally contagion-safe vehicles sales. If you commit to take delivery by the end of the month, every new Dodge/Toyota/Hummer now comes with a full tank of gas (a $2.75 value) and a free roll of toilet paper. . . .

Virus-free child care. Yeah, I’d like some, too. I can’t offer you that, but here’s what I can . . .

Trust me. You may be coughing, I’m sure it’s just an allergy. Anyway . . .

In these challenging times, do what it takes to take care of yourself. Take a walk. Take a shower. From a safe distance, yell at somebody who disagrees with you politically . . . .

That is us. In our masks. You can’t see, but we’re smiling. So please consider giving us the last of your money . . .

Buy business cards. Get a new suit. Clean your house. Invest in yourself. How else will you convince yourself that normality is coming back at some point . . .