A.I. real estate descriptions

We trained an artificial intelligence program on 11,216 descriptions written by realtors to sell homes. Then we asked it to generate a few of its own. Results below:

This 1803 farm house includes a rustic hand pump. Secluded location at cul-de-sac in dead-end unpaved gravel-and-glass-shard road. 5 BR, 1 ⅘ bathrooms in a colonial ranch-style victorian. Pocket kitchen with shoestring toilets and high-capacity bidet. Miles from picturesque Maine villages of Salem’s Lot and Sodom. Site includes converted outhouse for your workshop or studio. Beaten weasel siding. Whale oil heating system. 2 ⅔ previous owners. Nearby prison.

This two-up, three-down, eleven-across townhouse sports a spectacular kitchen with counter and appliances. Central air, water, and breakfast. Fully exposed ventwork. Fourth-floor laundry. Master bedroom features cathedral ceiling with basilica and crypt, en-suite closets, plus walk-in bathroom. Digitally encrypted staircases. Virgin stone garbage nook. Home owners association; soul escrow required.

Do you like Formica? Then this is the house for you. 1980s panache meets Internet porn styling in this one bedroom, 19-bathroom, dual-kitchen exploded ranch with split-level ⅛-car garage. Master bath with unique disco ball and bakelite jacuzzi. Unfinished basement wall-to-wall chicken coop with man bars. Asbestos fire pit in three-season screened entertainment aperture. Recently foreclosed meth lab. Hand-painted driveway.

Clean! Clean! Clean! Clean! This sparkling clean 2BR, 6 bath extra-clean home features immaculate wood floors, spotless alabaster counter tops, and crystalline baths including an oversized stainless steel bathtub. Super clean! Skylights shower the bedrooms with light and raindrops. Lucite roof. 3-car garage with squeaky floors and fully laundered mice. Landscaped with rocks, pebbles, stones, and moss. Town water, no sewer, no pool, no septic, no garbage, no driveway, no doors, weatherproof. Protective booties and mask required. Disposable cat.

Land. 1.04 acres in unique 6-foot by 7000-foot rectangular lot. Town water and gas. Wooded setting with brooks and culverts plus included contour lines. Priced to move at $714,990.

Large industrial converted loft in the up-and-coming Schilling-Trump neighborhood. Just 117 miles from downtown, near 4 trolley stops on the black and beige lines. Sixth floor walk-up with unfinished balcony. Naturally high ceilings. Onyx-and-rust skylights. Walls. Polished dirt floors. Plumbing, electric, and residents optional.

Note: first two sentences of this post are not verified.

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  1. This is gold 😂

    I’m sorry. I usually try contribute something of substance, but ~wipes tears of laughter~ every paragraph is a showcase in absurd humour. This wins the week for me.

  2. Janelle Shane’s blog aiweirdness.com, and her book “You Look Like A Thing And I Love You,” are paeans to this glorious genre and I cannot recommend them highly enough. (And I don’t ever recommend anything to anyone. That stuff makes me gasp with laughter so hard my cats start panicking and pawing me to see if I need CPR.)