The 2016 candidates as sound bites

sound bites
Photo: USA Today

The 2016 candidates for president have babbled on so extensively and gotten so much media coverage that it all just blends together. So I asked myself: if I let my brain get tired and stupid, what sound bite remains?

Here’s what stuck to my brain (sorted by their results in Iowa). Regrettably, when many people vote, this is about how much they will know about the candidates.

Hillary Clinton: Pick me, I’m like Obama but I can actually get stuff done.

[tweetthis].@HillaryClinton Pick me, I’m like Obama but I can actually get stuff done.[/tweetthis]

 

Bernie Sanders: The system is rigged for the rich. I’ll fix it and give you lots of free stuff.

[tweetthis].@BernieSanders The system is rigged for the rich. I’ll fix it and give you lots of free stuff.[/tweetthis]

 

Ted Cruz: God chose me to bring conservative values to America.

[tweetthis].@tedcruz God chose me to bring conservative values to America.[/tweetthis]

 

Donald Trump: I’ll make America great, don’t care who I offend. The other guys are losers.

[tweetthis].@realDonaldTrump I’ll make America great, don’t care who I offend. The other guys are losers.[/tweetthis]

 

Marco Rubio: My parents were poor immigrants, I’m really conservative, and people like me more than Cruz.

[tweetthis].@marcorubio My parents were poor immigrants, I’m really conservative, & people like me more than Cruz.[/tweetthis]

 

Ben Carson: I’m conservative but I’m not an asshole, and I’m pretty tired at this point.

[tweetthis].@RealBenCarson I’m conservative but I’m not an asshole, and I’m pretty tired at this point.[/tweetthis]

 

Rand Paul: I’m a libertarian, but that’s the wrong brand for 2016. See you later.

[tweetthis].@RandPaul I’m a libertarian, but that’s the wrong brand for 2016. See you later.[/tweetthis]

 

Jeb Bush: I’m a grownup and the rest of these guys are kids. Um, is this mike on?

[tweetthis].@JebBush I’m a grownup and the rest of these guys are kids. Um, is this mike on?[/tweetthis]

 

Carly Fiorina: Honestly, there was this baby kicking on the table.

[tweetthis].@CarlyFiorina Honestly, there was this baby kicking on the table.[/tweetthis]

 

John Kasich: Not quite as conservative as the rest. I ran a state and everything!

[tweetthis].@JohnKasich Not quite as conservative as the rest. I ran a state and everything![/tweetthis]

 

Mike Huckabee: Let us pray. Oh, Cruz has got that covered, I guess you don’t need me.

[tweetthis]@GovMikeHuckabee Let us pray. Oh, Cruz has got that covered, I guess you don’t need me.[/tweetthis]

 

Chris Christie: Like the other conservatives, but with a smile and better wisecracks.

[tweetthis].@ChrisChristie Like the other conservatives, but with a smile and better wisecracks.[/tweetthis]

 

Rick Santorum: I’m as nasty as Trump, but he gets more press. Bye.

[tweetthis].@RickSantorum I’m as nasty as Trump, but he gets more press. Bye.[/tweetthis]

 

Martin O’Malley: I’m really handsome.

[tweetthis].@MartinOMalley I’m really handsome[/tweetthis]

 

Jim Gilmore: Cool. I’m actually running for president.

[tweetthis].@gov_gilmore Cool. I’m actually running for president.[/tweetthis]

 

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